It's ironic that I miserably flunk my medals exam (ok, I passed just fine, but I did very poorly. Especially after everyone else did really well. I was feeling pretty sick and weak and sure enough, I danced accordingly. I'm pretty embarrassed considering that I know I could have done so much better.. I seriously danced like crap. I even saw Curt making pained faces as I danced.) the day after I have yet another one of those conversations with my husband that go like this:
"- Don't let me not quit team next semester
- I'm going to hold you to that...
- No wait!
...
- If I quit now then I'm a quitter. It'll be like all of that was for nothing. Oh wait, it already was: my only possibility of doing tour was this year, and that was quite obviously crushed...
- Then quit it.
- But I can't!
- You hate team!
- Yeah, but what if.... argh. You're right."
Message received, Universe. I get it all ready. Maybe I'm just being stubborn to piss off Lee.
I bet you didn't dance like crap, but even if you did - oh well. They're medals exams that at the end of the day, only matter if you bring them up to anybody. They're not a transcript that judges see at each competition. And remember: you guys rocked it last month. You guys dance extremely well and had the callbacks to prove it. And I highly doubt Curt was visibly cringing; that doesn't sound like him.
ReplyDeleteWith regard to team: this is a toughie. All I can do is leave my experience. I never liked team. The entire time I was on 10 o'clock I wanted OFF. It was boring and didn't push me at all. Then I got to 1 o'clock and remained frustrated because I was pretty ticked that I didn't get moved up to back-up. I was always fighting who Curt and Lee and Linda thought (and presumably still think) I am, with very little chance of changing it. I am the exact person that they don't want: I don't need team to feel gratified and worthwhile.
I'm going to take a leap and say that you don't need team to feel gratified and worthwhile. You do extremely well in competition, which has NOTHING to do with team performance, and you have an amazing major that you clearly are quite successful in.
Let's not even get into the politics of picking kids for tour team, and the unfortunate reality that they encourage everyone to get married as fast as possible and then punish those who are.
Quitting team doesn't make you a quitter. It makes you brave. It's deciding your own destiny; taking it into your hands; telling them that they can try to control your abilities, but at the end of the day you control your future.
Trust me: there's no better way to piss off Lee and co. than quitting team and beating all of their tour team members into a Nationals final.
Sorry, this is long. But I feel for you. And I think that for some, team is absolutely the right place to be. But sometimes you outgrow it and they're not willing to take the chance on your abilities. So you have to take a chance on yourself. Good luck. Pray about it.
Also, remember that the only thing I missed was performing in concert and that camaraderie. But those things can be replicated.
I forgot to say thank you for commenting--I appreciate it. It's just hard to let go of a goal I've had for the past 5 years of my life.
ReplyDeleteI understand. I have a really difficult time letting go of things. Go ahead and let yourself mourn a little bit - you have every right to.
ReplyDelete