It's hard to make decisions. There's what you think you should do, what you really want to do (or not even knowing what that would be), knowing or thinking what you think other people expect you to do (not that that should matter but somehow it always does)... the World vs. the Gospel, etc. There's the guilt of wanting something you can't have, or wanting what you think you shouldn't want, or wishing you wanted what you thought you didn't want (are you confused yet? Good. Now you have a sense of my current state of mind).
And then you read things like
this. It sort of validates what I've felt for a long time: that I am going to need to at least keep a foot in the "real world" if I want to stay sane. And I really want to be a mother too. I can't wait to be completely absorbed by my little ones and teach them and play with them and feed them and spend every waking hour with them... but I also know that I am going to need to stay involved in life outside the home. It's just hard finding that happy medium. You're probably thinking "that silly Lydia, she's stressing out for nothing -- she doesn't even have kids yet!" Well I like to have a plan, and these are the kinds of decisions you make far in advance. Plus it's not
that far in advance... we leave BYU to start our "real life" in April.
I wonder if I'll ever feel certain in any decision. Sometimes I envy my friends who are so certain about what they want in life. I had a close friend in the FLSR who was always dead certain she wanted to be a stay-at-home mother, and that was always the goal. She certainly didn't ignore the importance of education and completed her degree, but once she got married, they saved for a child and made a baby. And she is now a happy stay-at-home mom. Then I have another good friend in the broadcast program who, before she married her now-husband, talked to him about her goals and they decided he would follow her wherever she got her first job, she would get several years of experience as a reporter, and
then they would have kids. And she hasn't changed her mind since. I don't even think one choice is superior to the other, and what I admire most is that both of these friends made a decision and stuck to it.
And then there's me, the eternal flip-flopper terrified of taking a wrong step. I want so badly to be a
deliberate woman. I want so much to make intelligent, informed and inspired decisions, but I feel like so much is out of my--our--control that I have no idea how to make the right decision. And then there's the whole "leave it in God's hands" vs. "God helps those who help themselves", which isn't helping right now. I'm silly though, because I'm sitting here wishing an angel would come tell me what to do, but the moment that happened I'd probably whine that I didn't get to make the choice myself. Ha ha.
